Prepare yourselves. I fully endorse:
Nobody.
That's right. You heard me. I don't endorse any one of those candidates. Allow me to make my case for each individual in one word.
For the Republicans:
John McCain
Yarrr.He fully endorses the war in Iraq and wants to stay til the job is done. Which is fine. If you want to count your approval rating percentage on two hands. I say kill terrorists. I hate 'em. But do it in your own country, not someone else's. However, the above picture kind of makes him look like a pirate, which already makes him the most palatable candidate.
For the Democrats:
Barack Obama
Ay carumba!My one word: Inexperienced.
Barack is enjoying high approval among students and minorities, and with voter turnout as high as ever, his campaign is a promising one. But he's a junior senator, with little real-world experience. He's climbing high on his charisma and oration (rightfully so. The man is a breath of fresh air after listening to W for the last 8 years), but will he choke in office? It's hard to say. He represents sweeping change, but does he have the cajones to run the USA? He's kind of like a Democrat Ron Paul. You know, except black, less conservative, and less batshit crazy.
Hillary Clinton
I can't look at this picture without thinking about Howard Dean. Yaaaa!
Barack is enjoying high approval among students and minorities, and with voter turnout as high as ever, his campaign is a promising one. But he's a junior senator, with little real-world experience. He's climbing high on his charisma and oration (rightfully so. The man is a breath of fresh air after listening to W for the last 8 years), but will he choke in office? It's hard to say. He represents sweeping change, but does he have the cajones to run the USA? He's kind of like a Democrat Ron Paul. You know, except black, less conservative, and less batshit crazy.
Hillary Clinton
I can't look at this picture without thinking about Howard Dean. Yaaaa!My one word: Clinton.
The woman is ambitious, and you can tell that she's fighting tooth and nail to secure her candidacy. Can't fault her for that. On the other hand, she's a Clinton. It'll be Bill and Hill for four years, each furthering their own agenda through the other. She still represents an insidious part of the Democratic party (as far as I'm concerned), and her stances on media and gun control especially scare me.
Super Bonus Fun Time!
The woman is ambitious, and you can tell that she's fighting tooth and nail to secure her candidacy. Can't fault her for that. On the other hand, she's a Clinton. It'll be Bill and Hill for four years, each furthering their own agenda through the other. She still represents an insidious part of the Democratic party (as far as I'm concerned), and her stances on media and gun control especially scare me.
Super Bonus Fun Time!
Ron "Are You Fucking Kidding Me Why Is This Guy Still Running" Paul
HURRRRR
HURRRRRMy one word: BLIMP
THE MAN BOUGHT A FUCKING BLIMP. And much like the fabled Hindenburg, everyone thought it was a good idea at first, climbed aboard, made some YouTube videos about how great it was, then watched, horrified, as the whole enchilada went down in a flaming ball of death. Oh, the humanity indeed. Still, Paul soldiers on, oblivious to the statistical implausibility of his candidacy. Now, a lot of people have called his platforms "unfeasible", "impossible", or "do not ever speak that man's name in my presence", but let's face it. Crazy rhetoric aside, his heart's in the right place. Constitution = good! I can get behind that. But come on, Ron. Shake that magic 8-ball, and Try Again Later. And maybe be less of a psycho next time.
So there it is. You understand my dilemma. So many candidates, so little sanity. Here's a little more commentary, in case you care:
The ongoing sparring match between Obama and Hillzors is driving a wedge into the Democratic Party. Get your shit together, guys. You're all Democrats. Someone's gonna have to face John McCain. And right now, you're making it seem like neither of you are up to the task. You can't even unite your own party, for goodness' sake. Stop whining and start winning.
Kill as many al-Qaeda operatives as you can, and GTFO of Iraq. Iran is getting that Itchy Trigger Finger Syndrome. The bonus, if we fuck Iran's shit up (and we would), is that we'd get rid of the Wacky Ayatollahs and Mahmoud "I'll Cut You" Ahmedinejad. The minus: we'd piss off China AND Russia, and risk having to fuck their shit up too. And that just wouldn't be fair. So cut our losses, McCain, leave whoever you need to leave to guard whatever you need to guard, but hand that quagmire (giggity) back over to Iraq and let Allah sort 'em out.
The economy. From what I've seen on the news, I can easily sum up the economy thusly: OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING SELL SELL SELL WHY OH MY GOD NO NO NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOW JONES YOU MOTHERFUCKER I HAVE TO SELL MY YACHT YOU BASTARDS GAS PRICES GAS PRICES I CAN'T FILL MY CHEVY WARMONGER WITHOUT SPENDING NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS SWEET JESUS CHRIST WHY WHY WHY AAHHHAHAGGGGHHHAHAHGGGG *gurgle gurgle*
But seriously, folks. Buy a car that's sensible, stimulate that economy by buying American goods, and just roll with the punches. It's a slump. But by god, America didn't get where it is today by panicking and running around, fingers in ears, like a bunch of sissy Canadians! We rolled up our sleeves, spat on the ground, and kicked in the Door of Oppression, burned the house of Adversity, punched the grandmother of Prejudice, slashed the tires of Hardship, and gave that jerk Lolligagging a swirly. Our "can do!" spirit has put America on the map in more ways than one (The Virgin Islands, Guam, "South" America), and if we just suck it up and get things done, we'll all come out of this one okay.
So there it is. So politically charged I should have my political credit card canceled. HEY-O!
Consider yourself taken on, politics.
THE MAN BOUGHT A FUCKING BLIMP. And much like the fabled Hindenburg, everyone thought it was a good idea at first, climbed aboard, made some YouTube videos about how great it was, then watched, horrified, as the whole enchilada went down in a flaming ball of death. Oh, the humanity indeed. Still, Paul soldiers on, oblivious to the statistical implausibility of his candidacy. Now, a lot of people have called his platforms "unfeasible", "impossible", or "do not ever speak that man's name in my presence", but let's face it. Crazy rhetoric aside, his heart's in the right place. Constitution = good! I can get behind that. But come on, Ron. Shake that magic 8-ball, and Try Again Later. And maybe be less of a psycho next time.
So there it is. You understand my dilemma. So many candidates, so little sanity. Here's a little more commentary, in case you care:
The ongoing sparring match between Obama and Hillzors is driving a wedge into the Democratic Party. Get your shit together, guys. You're all Democrats. Someone's gonna have to face John McCain. And right now, you're making it seem like neither of you are up to the task. You can't even unite your own party, for goodness' sake. Stop whining and start winning.
Kill as many al-Qaeda operatives as you can, and GTFO of Iraq. Iran is getting that Itchy Trigger Finger Syndrome. The bonus, if we fuck Iran's shit up (and we would), is that we'd get rid of the Wacky Ayatollahs and Mahmoud "I'll Cut You" Ahmedinejad. The minus: we'd piss off China AND Russia, and risk having to fuck their shit up too. And that just wouldn't be fair. So cut our losses, McCain, leave whoever you need to leave to guard whatever you need to guard, but hand that quagmire (giggity) back over to Iraq and let Allah sort 'em out.
The economy. From what I've seen on the news, I can easily sum up the economy thusly: OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING SELL SELL SELL WHY OH MY GOD NO NO NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOW JONES YOU MOTHERFUCKER I HAVE TO SELL MY YACHT YOU BASTARDS GAS PRICES GAS PRICES I CAN'T FILL MY CHEVY WARMONGER WITHOUT SPENDING NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS SWEET JESUS CHRIST WHY WHY WHY AAHHHAHAGGGGHHHAHAHGGGG *gurgle gurgle*
But seriously, folks. Buy a car that's sensible, stimulate that economy by buying American goods, and just roll with the punches. It's a slump. But by god, America didn't get where it is today by panicking and running around, fingers in ears, like a bunch of sissy Canadians! We rolled up our sleeves, spat on the ground, and kicked in the Door of Oppression, burned the house of Adversity, punched the grandmother of Prejudice, slashed the tires of Hardship, and gave that jerk Lolligagging a swirly. Our "can do!" spirit has put America on the map in more ways than one (The Virgin Islands, Guam, "South" America), and if we just suck it up and get things done, we'll all come out of this one okay.
So there it is. So politically charged I should have my political credit card canceled. HEY-O!
Consider yourself taken on, politics.
2 comments:
holy crap
best.post.evar.!1!
Rock on dude, Rock on. When shall we go shot guns?
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